I am going to talk about something today that is very serious and personal. Some of you may think that this isn’t something to discuss on a blog, but this is my outlet emotionally and I really need to say some things that happened yesterday in order to wrap my head around all that I thought about.
I had a post all typed up yesterday with a cheery tone and excitement for my sister’s birthday party last night, and then I got a text and found out something horrible happened. A high school friend of mine got in a car accident late Thursday night and passed away. I couldn’t believe it. It was like sometime punched me in the stomach and then twisted my heart. I started crying and ran to my mom to hug her. What? How? It couldn’t be. I just saw him a couple weeks ago. My mind was racing and heart was pounding and it didn’t make sense.
The rest of the day went like this: I cried off and on all day while texting different friends about what happened, having to tell some of them the news. So many questions, so few answers. I got a flat tire that AAA couldn’t fix. The tire shop I took it to couldn’t fix it either because they didn’t have the necessary tools for a VW. I didn’t want to deal with a petty inconvenience on a day something like this happened, but I also needed a working car and knew it would be a danger to drive. Dealing with a flat tire on a day like this felt so silly, but it had to be done, and I almost felt like I was a zombie going through the motions. The monthly visitor showed up yesterday too (sorry boys) and so all day I had terrible cramps and nausea, on top of the nausea already experiencing from grief. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think straight. I seriously felt lost all day. I realized at one point that if I had woken up with my period and crampy, and then got a flat tire, I would’ve complained about both of those things and deemed it a “crappy day”. Those things would’ve gotten to me and made me whine. Yesterday, I realized that those things were nothing. Dealing with healthy hormonal cycle and having small car trouble (that doesn’t result in anyone hurt) is NOTHING. Someone far too young with an amazing heart was taken in an accident, and that is something. That is what is terrible and what should make us cry. Not a flat tire. Not cramps. Those things were almost laughable, as crazy as that sounds.
I didn’t go into the city like I planned to party with my sister, obviously. I couldn’t get myself to smile, let alone have a good time. Later in the day, I talked with my mom a lot about why things like this happen – how does the universe, or whatever God you believe in, let things like this happen when it just doesn’t make any sense? She reminded me that these events, while you initially need to mourn and let yourself feel the loss, should also be a reminder that life is short and the unexpected can happen at any minute. Don’t wait to tell people you love them, don’t wait to try something you’ve been wanting to try, go take that vacation, go do that thing that scares you a bit but you know will result in something amazing (or maybe not). Go LIVE, for those that can’t and for yourself.
I spent the majority of the day feeling very very down on the world in general, but also on myself. I hated that loss of control. I hated not being able to just pick myself up and get through it like the strong person I know I (usually) am. But you know what, sometimes it’s okay not to be strong. And when you can’t be strong, the amazing thing is that there will be people that love you to be strong for you. Chelsie reminded me of this yesterday through text and it struck a chord with me, and I realized it is okay to lean on more than yourself in hard times. So that’s what I am going to do, and eventually I will feel better and go back to living life with an even greater appreciation. The support I need right now is only a sliver of what his family needs, so I will reach out with kindness, which is all I can do. His family will undoubtedly be receiving tons of love and help in the next coming weeks (months, years), and I hope to even play a tiny part in that.
Sometimes, really bad things happen. There are bad moments, there are bad days, even bad years. But those bad times make the good ones that much better. Are you in a bad mood today because of something petty? I am not saying what you are feeling or whatever is bothering you isn’t real, but try to put it into perspective and see it as just a small annoyance. Accepting that it’s a temporary thing and will pass (in an hour, in a day, in a week) will allow you to not let it take over your emotions in a way that it shouldn’t. Bad things happen all the time, and luckily most of them are fixable. Some things, like death, are not. And those things I will never be able to explain (like the Boston Marathon, as well), but all we can do is accept them and use those times to make us live even greater lives while we can.
I apologize for the darkness in this post and philosophical inquiry, but I needed to get it all out and hopefully this hits home with quite a few of you. I hope you all are having a good day, and even if you’re not, realize that you are alive and have a lot to be thankful for right now. I’m sending you all virtual hugs right now and hoping you go do something amazing this weekend, no matter how small.
Rest in Peace Will. <3 <3 <3